“I didn’t want to come today but I knew I needed it.”
“I didn’t want to come today but I knew I needed it.”
I’ve heard a version of this statement more times than I can count.
Showing up when you’re feeling good is one thing, showing up and putting in the work when everything in your being is telling you not to (despite knowing you will likely feel better after) is a completely different experience. So why do we have this natural resistance to do things we know would help us, or much further devastating- remain in harmful situations for too long?
A little science nugget for you- we are biologically engineered to choose the safest option. We can thank our early ancestors for this one. Simply put, staying in the cave was a hell of a lot safer than risking being out in the open, exposed, and vulnerable. This is also why we resist change. Typing out loud I probably need to write on that one too. Those early homo-species were not about to move because they thought the cave down by Old Gregg’s place had better moss and cooler rocks,
they only moved because their current conditions became more unsafe than remaining where they were.
There had to be a threat to their survival to make the leap, and there were likely many losses before someone said, “hey I think we should probably go.” I mean, I wasn’t exactly there, but I imagine it took some trial and error to figure out what type of animals wanted to eat us and what climates we could survive.
Thanks to many years of our brains developing into the complex systems they are today, the correlation to the present is that now we are not only focused on our physical safety but our emotional safety. The thing is even after hundreds of thousands of years (millions, really), we don’t necessarily lose the “caveman” part of ourselves. It is still within us instinctually to preserve that safety, even if it may be harmful. We become accustomed to our environment and to change it or leave may appear to be the more costly choice. The quote, “we choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven,” fits nicely here.
How often have you stayed in a space that was either mentally or physically unhealthy and toxic because it was familiar, “safe”, or comforting?
Let me give you some examples of this.
(so sorry, but not my fault if you feel called out)
Comfort Thought: “I can’t help it, this is just the way I am.”
Safety: If I stay the way I am, there won’t be any different expectations of me and my behavior.
Hard Truth: You can help it, and saying you can’t is a cop-out. You may have had difficult things happen to you, but at some point it’s your responsibility to do something about them. You are actively choosing to be a victim of your circumstance if you continue to stay there mentally or physically.
Comfort Thought: “They’re not like this all the time, I’m not going to leave them.”
Safety: Staying with them seems like a safer and easier short-term option then going through the long-term difficulties of emotional and physical detachment. This type of treatment is familiar to me so I will stay with what is familiar.
Hard Truth: You have learned to endure and tolerate this relationship for some secondary gain of connection, attention, filling a void, etc. You have become desensitized to bare minimum, toxic, or abusive behaviors and believe that by staying, this individual will change despite a pattern of evidence proving otherwise. They won’t change, and your self esteem and sense of self will continue to erode over time.
Comfort Thought: “I could go to that AA meeting [therapy appt, doctors appt, etc.] but it’s all the way across town. I’m doing fine right now.”
Safety: Doing the thing would require effort and there are no immediate problems I see in front of me, so no need to fix anything.
Hard Truth: Going to that meeting or appointment is what is maintaining your stability and increasing your buoyancy when life hits you again, because we know it will. You will be reactive to the next issue instead of having a grounded response.
Comfort Thought: “I’m too tired to go to the gym today, I’ll just go tomorrow.” **
Safety: I am feeling physically tired and need to stay in a state of rest and comfort in order to preserve energy. Expending energy through movement would be discomforting.
Hard Truth: You are not being chased by sabertooth tigers when you leave your home and do not need to preserve your energy for survival. The discomfort you experience is to be expected when doing a challenging task.
**There is such a thing as overtraining or overexerting yourself and rest days are equally as important as physical active days. This is more so if you’ve given yourself the “I’m tired” excuse 37 times in a row.
Comfort Thought: “I don’t want to say anything to them, they might get upset.”
Safety: If I avoid the conflict, that means I can maintain the status quo and do not have to experience uncomfortable thoughts or feelings.
Hard Truth: The continued avoidance of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings will only stockpile them to the point where it will become unmanageable and you will “blow up” or “crash out” as the kids say. This could be directed inward (suffering inflicted upon yourself) through avoidance, escapism, procrastination or outward (taking it out on others) arguments, projection, resentment, etc.
We don’t usually push ourselves out of this comfort or safe zone until we’ve understood it to be more dangerous than staying. Everyone has a different level of this, so some may experience the same cycle for years while others shift after a few occurrences. Showing up for yourself and doing the hard thing when you feel that resistance is what builds your endurance, resiliency, and strength.
Here are a few quick mantras you can use when you feel that resistance or friction:
My comfort is not the same as my safety.
I am not unsafe when I am uncomfortable.
Being uncomfortable is the only way I will grow or get through this.
If I do it/don’t do it, things will remain the same.
Staying the same is detrimental to the brand. (Gen Z version)
Nothing changes if nothing changes. (my personal fav)
That’s just my lizard/caveman brain trying to keep me safe.
Acknowledge the difficulty, feel the emotions, and then do the hard thing.
Your lizard brain therapist,
Morgan
