Why boundaries suck
Let’s talk about boundaries for a moment, and why they suck.
As someone who is a self described recovering people pleaser, boundaries have not (and still do not) come easy for me. The moment I know I need to make a conscious effort to set or re-establish a boundary, it still gives me that little lurch in my gut. I will often look for 42 other options to try before accepting my fate. I know the usual suspects: it’s uncomfortable, there may be conflict, things will change and shift. It just plain sucks sometimes. However, what I didn’t expect when first learning how to set boundaries was the quiet grief of what I might lose in the process.
There is an after effect that is subtle but more powerful in my perspective, and
it’s the loss of what is and what could be.
We often talk about boundaries as a way to maintain something but rarely about what we might lose in the process.
I’ll give you a small example to start.
You are spending time after hours with coworkers or friends but you want to be home by 9p so you get good sleep or can tuck the kids in for bedtime (time & values boundary). The “loss” of setting this boundary is cutting the socialization time short and what else the night could have entailed. Maybe after a few drinks your boss starts talking about the new project. Maybe one of your friends finally gets on stage and sings karaoke. So you’ve maintained your time and values boundary (which builds your self esteem btw), but there was a slight loss of those interactions. Overall you can see that because of what you value, that leaving early was the better boundary to maintain.
“Okay, Morgan, this is just FOMO (fear of missing out), does it really go that deep?”
Well lucky for you, my favorite thing is to dive deep into some sh*t so here we go.
It’s not just FOMO, it’s grief. Things are not so black and white when you will be experiencing genuine loss. It could be the loss of connection with someone you care about, the comfort they bring, or even the identity you’ve built around the relationship.
Grieving both the current reality and an imagined future of something can be incredibly painful.
Let’s go for a deeper example to explain.
You are meeting with someone you have tried to set boundaries with on your time (setting a time limit), conversational topics (no derogatory rabbit holes, no bringing up the past), emotions (no condescending comments, no hot/cold treatment), physical self (no hugs, no transactional intimacy), and place (neutral space). You spend a lot of emotional energy preparing for these interactions and are trying your best to maintain your sense of self but they continually push on these boundaries to the point where you might shut down, suppress what you want, want to leave, get defensive, or just completely lose your shit. This person might not push every single time you interact with them and you have some positive moments of connection, but there have been enough times to where you are noticing a pattern and starting to feel the effects of it.
“Well this seems like a no brainer Morgan, why would you continue to make efforts or spend time with someone like that?”
Oh by the way, I forgot to mention. This person is your mom. Your dad. Your sister. Your brother. Your grandparent. Your longest friendship. Your significant other. A situationship. Your roommate. Your business partner. Your boss.
Things aren’t so clear now on what to do, are they?
Your loss in these types of relationships could be a great cost for you. You feel that you are losing years of memories, the current connection, other branches of this relationship, the ideologies of your upbringing or culture (ex: blood is thicker than water), and potentially loss of hope that things would change or shift. If you’ve read my caveman post, you learned that we stay where things are comfortable and perceived as safe even if they are no longer serving us.
The impulsive answer is not just quitting your job or cutting everyone off, that teaches us very little skill building and emotional regulation in these dynamics and how to navigate them when (not if) they happen again.
So what is the answer?
I wish I could give a hard hitting one liner answer like Mel Robbins (maybe some day). The truth is, this isn’t a black and white situation... and that’s okay. Sitting with the grey means you're learning how to navigate complexity and uncertainty with intention. In an analogy (ya’ll know I love em), it’s like learning how to navigate and manage your boat in waters that are new, unclear, or choppy. You wouldn’t just jump out at the first sign of uncertainty. You’d use caution and preparation for the waves that may be coming, while staying in tune with your internal compass. No doubt you might have to course correct a few times, but with each wave you gain experience (even if that means capsizing here and there). There won’t be a “right” way to handle this situation, but acknowledging the potential loss can sometimes move us forward with what choice would be in better alignment with our needs.
You didn’t think I’d leave you completely shipwrecked, did you? (punny, I know)
If you’re having a hard time navigating the waters when it comes to boundaries (okay, okay I’ll stop), here are some reflective questions you can journal on:
What do I actually want? (being real af with yourself)
Am I trying to hold on to a version of this relationship or connection that no longer exists or feels good to me? Why would I be doing that?
What will happen if I do nothing? How do I feel about that reality?
If I set and maintain this boundary, what will I lose? What will I gain?
If I set and maintain this boundary, is it something I am open to revisiting in the future if things change? How will I know things have changed? (how much time in between, actions vs. words, etc.)
If I am not open to revisiting this boundary, how can I ensure it’s solid?
What do I need to give myself during this process? (time to grieve, healthy support, self care)
Once you’ve put in effort to answer these, you should reach a better understanding of yourself and your needs. That can help build the footing for your next step forward, whichever direction that may be.
You don’t set boundaries to change others, you set them to stop losing yourself.
from your recovering people pleasing therapist,
Morgan
me safe in my little metaphorical boat
*Alaska 2021